Suddenly, it seems, the leaves have fallen. Green, gold, orange and brown, I step across a carpet of beech and sycamore, heart thumping and breathless. Looking down at the leaves, focusing on their colourful deaths keeps me steady as I make my way to the doctor's surgery. I ignore the steely sky. I ignore the stares of passers by wondering at the wheezy, twitching woman who stumbles along so unsteadily. I used to believe I could be well but now I'm asked to accept that this illness is my reality, my unhappy ever after. And I mourn. With the sombre grey-barked trees, I mourn.
Wednesday 15 October 2008
Fallen
Suddenly, it seems, the leaves have fallen. Green, gold, orange and brown, I step across a carpet of beech and sycamore, heart thumping and breathless. Looking down at the leaves, focusing on their colourful deaths keeps me steady as I make my way to the doctor's surgery. I ignore the steely sky. I ignore the stares of passers by wondering at the wheezy, twitching woman who stumbles along so unsteadily. I used to believe I could be well but now I'm asked to accept that this illness is my reality, my unhappy ever after. And I mourn. With the sombre grey-barked trees, I mourn.
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4 comments:
I feel very badly for you, and I wish that you quickly find your way.
Though your current state is your current reality, you need to look ahead and know that it is not your future.
What you are now doing is looking for relief in order to continue to a happier reality, and it is not easy, I am sorry to know.
May your autumn be sunny and bright, your winter short and mild and spring come early indeed.
Be well.
One month on Prozac is not long enough to feel much benefit. It can take 3 or more. But if your side-effects are unbearable, it makes sense to try another.
Someone else commented about who is prescribing your medication; GP or psychiatrist. The latter I hope. Prozac (or anything else) for a bipolar disorder is insufficient without some form of cognitive therapy. I assume lithium has been discussed too.
The link you provided, re your diagnosis, contains good info about self-help, moderate exercise etc. It doesn't mention avoiding men but perhaps it should! For a while, focus on those aspects of life which give you pleasure and which you can control! Men will still exist when you're feeling well enough to jump aboard again, so to speak ;)
Good luck, Puss.
I find seasons to be a bit emotional for me as well, and one of the season that would hit the spot would be the winter season. I don't like summer that much cause of the heat in my place, but winter, a lot of great memories with winter.. I do hope you would be fine as well..
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