The headache reminds me of its presence, sticking knitting needles into my eye sockets. I am cold amidst the tumbling words the jumbled thoughts, the wasted sentences I want to write to him but won't send because he's already told me he won't read them. I need to sleep. But I can't. I need to eat. But I can't. I need to connect. But I can't. The prison walls are up again and locked in the cell of my sickness I can only endure. Alone.
Wednesday 23 September 2009
Moody Cow
The house is so quiet I can hear my heart beat. It's the dead of night. Insomnia and the maelstrom in my head rage on and I stare into the darkness, unseeing, numb. How can I explain the pain, the guilt, the confusion and the despair of this illness? How can someone ever truly understand? How can I be anything but alone with this affliction? I am angry with him for judging me. I am angry with him for refusing to open his mind. I am angry with him for telling me what is and isn't part of this horrible disease and that the rest is an excuse, a self-indulgent failure to take responsibility and choose to be well, choose to behave in a manner he finds acceptable. It feels so unjust and so futile.
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2 comments:
I think your burden is doubled having two such forceful emotionally wrought conditions in your life-your depression and a man who is depressing to say the least.
A clean sweep to let it go, may do you some good, once you have hit bottom with what he has just told you.
You are not alone, though you may have to alone fight this disease, an him. That lone fight should give you strength to continue.
Hopefully you will have some peace soon, to rest and regenerate.
Hello Puss, long time no see. I see you're having tough time still, I don't think anyone can truly understand your despair but I believe I have an inkling. Sending warm vibes your way.
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