Coming Round

Out of the train window, the Kent countryside runs past. In the thin morning sunshine, the world is made anew, and I see rich earth contrast with the emerald hue of fields, the stark shapes of bare tree branches, and brickwork that speaks of time and seasons past. I’m listening to a favourite song, Fallen, and as the lyrics* wash over me, resonating wildly, I realise, with absolute clarity, that I have been far kinder, far more generous to him than he deserved.

But it wasn’t, isn’t, won’t ever be enough. Exhaling, I let go.

* Fallen
By Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past could be undone
But we carry on our backs the burden
Time always reveals
The lonely light of morning
The wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
That I have held so dear.

I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bent to take my hand
Nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turned their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
But it's one missed step
You'll slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I have messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here
And tell me I told you so...