At lunchtime, I enter a bubble of good fortune that sticks close to me for four days. My colleague offers to buy me lunch, I don’t get asked to pay for a train ticket, I’m not charged for checking my bag in on the flight, we find a taxi straight away and the address of our accommodation despite me leaving it in England. The rest of the weekend flows beautifully and the universe is generous and true.All the way through, I find myself thinking that it can’t last, that karma must kick in (even though I haven’t intentionally done anything to warrant karmic retribution), and that life, my life, really cannot be this good. Can it?
This sense of undeserving, so pure, so flouted by circumstance, unveils the next layer to be dealt with. For years I thought one sorted oneself out then lived a happy life, but the truth is that we continue to uncover deeper and deeper layers of crap, and choose how to deal with them, and how to accept our flawed selves. The lesson here is clear; I have put enough good out into the world to warrant this abundance, and yet, still, I do not believe I deserve it. Under it all, I feel unworthy.
With the trip over, things start to go wrong and in one day, I receive a parking ticket, my ipod dies, and I miss my train. Time to refocus. Time to believe. Time to accept life’s gifts. Time to love again.
* Image courtesy of August - although truth be told, I nicked it without her permission. Naughty Puss.
5 comments:
This, too.
Strictly speaking, bad events might be considered the results of events in a previous lifetime, but I honestly don't know how to feel about that theory.
I do think, though, that we're a good deal happier when we just roll with the flow. Some days are great, some are shitty, and that's just the way it is. The causes aren't particularly important; all that matters is what we do with the events we're presented with.
A teacher once said to me "stop thinking of things as problems. They're not problems. They're just situations to react to. Good or bad, they're all gifts."
Yes, our fortune, good or bad, travels with us and by us all our lives.
I often use your logic. I wonder why something good happens, and think I deserve it somehow when something bad occurs.
Also cannot help but think that some people never had anything go wrong and I get upset by that too.
I am pretty flawed.
This sense of undeserving has taunted me for as long as I can remember. Even when you were in Berlin I thought, I don't deserve her kindness or friendship. And yet, I was grateful for such a gift. What's up with that?
August
(I posted that photo for YOU. You never need ask permission.)
You were looking for Karma to restore the natural balance after a run of good fortune, that's human nature.
The universe seeks balance, but never attains it.
" This sense of undeserving, so pure, so flouted by circumstance, unveils the next layer to be dealt with."- This is the true Karmic result, if you will, of your good fortune.
"With the trip over, things start to go wrong and in one day, I receive a parking ticket, my ipod dies, and I miss my train."- This is self-fulfilling prophecy. Maybe you'd like to skip that part next time?
Life is random. It's how we choose to deal with it that defines us (and thus how we see our life).
I have trouble accepting the concept of Karma / past lives etc.
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